Testosteronies

Dear Dr. Rushforth,

You don’t know me, but I have knowledge of you because I read your book Wild Rides & Wildflowers: Philosophy and Botany with Bikes. I don’t read many books but I thought that a book with Wild and Wild in the title might help me with a little problem I have. I am writing to you rather than the other writer because you are a botany scientist and he is probably the know-it-all who contributed his philosophy to the book. Also, because you are retired I figure that you are no longer controlled by the controlling scientists who dominate whatever knowledge reaches the public and you can pass on information that will make you a lot of money…I mean that will bypass the lame-stream science rulers and give us what we know is true.

My question is kinda intimate, if that’s the right word, but I know you are a sensitive person and won’t publish this on social media to embarrass me. To get right to the point…which is kinda difficult for me these days…I’ve got what they call a testosteroni problem. Because I read your book I know that you were getting advertisements in the mail for Horny Goat Weed and I thought your experience with that plus your science knowledge would make you a good person to give me some advice.

There’s a guy on FOX television I see all the time who has a new show on why us men have problems with our testosteronis. I saw the preview and there were a lot of muscular men with guns and milking cows…I have to be honest, I’m not sure why they were milking cows on this show I grew up on a farm and figured out when I was 12 or 13 that there is a big difference between teats and tits…anyway, the show said that if I had this special light thingy to shine on my balls I wouldn’t collapse like they say our society is which makes sense to me because it costs me $155 to fill up the tank on my truck. I’m a little confused because the man talking had some kind of foreign accent and the guys in the show had their shirts off and I’m pretty sure one of them was that Putin guy who has been on tv a lot lately. Anyway, I think maybe the show has a good idea but I want to get  your advice about it.

So here’s my question…where can I get one of those light thingys?

I’m gonna not sign my name because I don’t want people to know that I’ve got this little problem…I mean the problem is little, not anything else. I have an aronimous mailbox that I hope you’ll send your answer to. Thank you for helping one of your fellow men, if that’s the right way to say it.

P O Box 666 (I had to pay a little extra for the number)

Farmington Utah

About Scott Abbott

I received my Ph.D. in German Literature from Princeton University in 1979. Then I taught at Vanderbilt University, BYU, and Utah Valley State College. At Utah Valley University, I directed the Program in Integrated Studies for its initial 13 years and was also Chair of the Department of Humanities and Philosophy for three years. My publications include a book on Freemasonry and the German Novel, two co-authored books with Zarko Radakovic (REPETITIONS and VAMPIRES & A REASONABLE DICTIONARY, published in Serbo-Croatian in Belgrade and in English with Punctum Books), a book with Sam Rushforth (WILD RIDES AND WILDFLOWERS, Torrey House Press), a "fraternal meditation" called IMMORTAL FOR QUITE SOME TIME (University of Utah Press), and translations of three books by Austrian author Peter Handke, of an exhibition catalogue called "The German Army and Genocide," and, with Dan Fairbanks, of Gregor Mendel's important paper on hybridity in peas. More famously, my children are in the process of creating good lives for themselves: as a model and dance/yoga studio manager, as a teacher of Chinese language, as an ecologist and science writer, as a jazz musician, as a parole officer, as a contractor, as a seasonal worker (Alaska and Park City, Utah), and as parents. I share my life with UVU historian Lyn Bennett, with whom I have written a cultural history of barbed wire -- THE PERFECT FENCE (Texas A&M University Press). Some publications at http://works.bepress.com/scott_abbott/
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